after the fall

[houseofscientia]

[Ignis has only a little recollection of what happened. Not of the fine details, but he knows what happened. He knows what he did and why. He prayed for forgiveness, he remembers that one clearly.

He prayed for forgiveness, that Noctis will understand that he had no other way. He prayed, that if he died, Noctis would understand. He prayed that if he meets His Highness King Regis in the afterlife, he would forgive him too for leaving his son alone.

Waking up in pain that ran deeper than his body, with one of his senses robbed of him, with a ringing in his ear was the thing that scared Ignis the most about it all. Not the fight itself, but that he still has Noctis to protect and he may not be able to.

He heard the way Gladio's voice deepened as he updated him about the situation. He heard the way Prompto's voice broke every time he was trying to talk to him. Ignis hated both, because it reminded him how all of them were so scared. So scared. But no one would say a word about it. That's why he took it upon himself to offer Noctis, and with that the others too, to stop this all. Stop the journey, stop this madness and go home. Or escape.

And when Noctis refused, Ignis had never been more proud of him. It made everything worth it, it showed that Noctis is ready. Yet, as a sick twist of fate, Ignis felt he himself isn't. So when he walked out of Noctis' room after that conversation, he never wanted to return. He didn't want Noctis to be reminded of what happened, he already had a lot to deal with by losing Lady Lunafreya too. And Ignis knew how he would feel about seeing him injured too. Maybe it was also vanity on Ignis' part. Feeling the scars on his face, he wondered just how ugly they are. It truly mustn't be a sight anyone would want to look at. But he'll check them when he has his vision back...

They aren't ready to go on. They all need to heal and rest and Altissia is letting them stay that little time they need. It also means there are no hunts, no driving, no busy days, just waiting and supposedly healing. Ignis hates it. It leaves too much time to think. A few times he asked Prompto to help him walk to the market, but he came back with more tension than he left with.

The worst thing, however, that Ignis realized he started to avoid Noctis. He was usually by his side when he would be sleeping, all the other times he asked Gladio or even Prompto to keep vigil. Those times he'd sit on the sofa outside the hotel room and listen quietly to the radio if there's any news about the Empire, or if the hunters have any updates. Just like he does now.]

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[mcring]

[ Once Noctis is awake, he wishes he wasn't. It was a lot to take in. The battle with Leviathan and the Empire, the power Luna gave him... The ring that sits in the Armiger now like a physical weight on his shoulders, bearing him down.

Luna's gone. It almost doesn't feel real, because for so long, she was never around. But Umbra doesn't visit again, and the notebook's still in a drawer in his hotel room with no response beyond the flower on the last page. No response ever again.

He sleeps a lot. It's easy. He felt tired and sore at first; it was a struggle just to sit up, to look in Ignis' direction. His body ached. It's easy to draw that out for days longer than he feels it, to sleep overly long, to stay in bed. The meals brought to him by the guys are from the hotel staff. He doesn't know how much any of this costs. He doesn't ask. Ignis doesn't bring it up. Nothing's like it used to be between them.

It gets to him eventually. Not the misery, not the grief and loss. Noctis wears those like a second skin, now. The loss of his dad was hard. Losing Luna is even harder. But he's lived through hell before. This is different, because back then, he had his friends to support him. Gladio's disapproval, Prompto's unrelenting cheer. They're hurting and he's disappointing them, but they're used to that from him, too, and Noctis is used to letting them down. It's not until he realizes that Ignis has stopped visiting his room that Noctis breaks. Nothing's every going to be how it used to be.

Concern and fear feel like the same thing to Noctis, but whatever it is, it's good motivation. He gets out of bed and doesn't just go stare off his balcony. He takes a shower instead for the first time in a couple days, and puts on clean clothes. The first few steps out of his room hit him with a weird sense of agoraphobia, like he's going to walk out onto that alter, or into a field of sylleblossoms, like in his dreams. He walks out into a hotel hallway instead. With a steadying exhale, he turns, ready to find his way downstairs... Only to stop after a couple steps, because there's Ignis sitting there outside the door, a radio next to him reporting the lack of news.

Noctis inhales, mouth open to say something, but he closes it again, not sure what to say. Ignis is... He's like this because of him. He'll never read a newspaper again, or drive again, or a million other things because of him. Noctis is sure Ignis hates him; why else would he stop visiting like that? And he's got ever right to. But here he is, sitting outside his room, so close, and so completely out of reach. Noctis doesn't know what to say, where to even start, so he doesn't say anything. Turning around, going back into his room or just walking by... He can't do any of that, either. The moment hangs. ]